The Struggle is Real

I have to admit it but I’m not perfect. Also sorry to inform you but you are not, either. Despite what some well intentioned life coach types may try to tell you, we can all do better. This is not to say that you are bad because you have yet to reach some far reaching form of perfection. Just letting you know that there is work to do and there always will be should you not quit.

This overlaps with running in many forms. Your stride, posture, form, nutrition, pacing, etc., etc.. Mainly why I bring this up is because running can also overlap as a metaphor for many aspects of one’s life, as well. Sometimes to the point when the metaphor literally becomes a reality.

This is what I would like to share. I am the type to always point the finger at myself. Whatever it is, it’s my fault. My parents got divorced. My fault. I got divorced. My fault. Something happened at work. My fault. I hear about something bad happening and feel bad that I couldn’t do anything to make it better. I want to fix everything out of some form of guilt that I had something to do with why it was broke in the first place.

Why I am bringing this up is because I am seeing more and more people I know struggling in many forms and for many reasons. These are strange times we’re living in. I won’t go too far into that but there seems to be a cloud over too many people I know and care about. I’m also feeling it so here’s hoping this helps all around.

It was the fall of 2009 and long story short, the 10 year relationship with my ex-wife was falling the rest of the way apart six weeks prior to the Philly Marathon I had been training for. She moves out and now it’s just me and the pup in the house. We had adopted a boxer/lab mix named Brody. For a pretty big dog, he did not enjoy the stressful environment that had been going on.

I still went by my day to day as per usual but was not sleeping or eating and was drinking heavily and running way too hard as I continued to train. Of course, this eventually starts to take a toll. I’m 5’11” and usually weigh about 170 pounds. 2 weeks prior to the race as I notice my belt getting pulled tighter and tighter, I get on the scale and see I’m down to 127 pounds. My run that night after work was in cold and rainy conditions when my hip seizes up and I can’t move my leg. I hop over to a bench nearby and lay back with the chilly water now landing on my face. I eventually get the hip feeling better and can walk a bit and finally am able to run home with my head shaking back and forth as I have a stupid grin on my face knowing how dumb this is.

This was an eye opener but the biggest eye opener happens over the race weekend.

I start to eat better and am taking better care of myself leading up to the race. I have dinner plans with friends the night before it and I asked my neighbors up the street if they would watch Brody for me until after the race. I walk him up to their house and then walk to the restaurant.

Despite everything that had been going on and the stress of running a marathon (only my 4th marathon at the time) I somehow break through with a huge personal best. A 3:17 finish that was 16 minutes faster than my previous best. Didn’t have a soul waiting for me and after having the medal placed around my neck, walked away sobbing for a bit. I gathered myself, took a deep breath, picked my head up and gave myself a little pat on the back as I headed to my car.

Went home to shower and eat real quick before going to get Brody from Frank and John’s house. I knock on their door and Frank looks pissed. Their house was immaculate and automatically feel bad because I think my 105 pound dog destroyed something. I ask what was wrong and Frank explains that Brody would not leave the front door from the moment I dropped him off. He sat looking out the window for me the whole night. Wouldn’t eat or drink. Nothing but staring out waiting for me to return. When he saw I was there, he was shaking and had broken out in hives. I thanked the gentlemen for taking care of him and apologized… because that’s what I do about everything.

When we got back to the house, the poor pup wouldn’t leave my side. I grabbed a blanket and pillow and we curled up on the living room floor. It took a couple of hours for him to stop shaking. I called out of work the next day not because I was beat up from the marathon but because my dog was beat up from watching me beat myself up.

That was it. He and I were going to be happy again. Sure, there is always going to be something that gets to us but the perspective of seeing how much this canine cared about me… You hear about dogs taking on bears or other predators to protect their owners… Well, Brody was protecting me from me.

So what was I running for or from or why was I running myself into the ground or running like a madman and so on and so forth? I got into running to have fun and to get outside and get in shape but then it became a whole other thing that was no longer a healthy outlet. Until it was again thanks to Brody.

Soon after this, I qualified for my first Boston Marathon and then ran that in 2011. Brody and I went everywhere together the last couple of years of his life. Our first trip driving to Colorado together had him sleeping in the passenger seat for the bulk of it until I had to get some sleep in the middle of the night at a rest stop, the kind you see in horror movies, in Nebraska. I put my seat back to close my eyes and Brody sits up and his eyes tell me, “My turn, Dad.” I woke later with him still sitting up keeping an eye out with his huge head in the window.

Point being, we are all going to feel bad for something but keep things in perspective. Are you stealing candy from babies? Are you kicking puppies? If so, you should feel bad. If you are honestly trying to be better and make things better, just keep doing your best. Some days are always going to be better than others.

This was a good day with good friends and a great dog. Miss you, Brody.

So if you are struggling with your running, your job, your relationship, your life in general… Do your best realizing that your best varies from day to day. It’s OK to struggle but don’t let it consume you. Take a deep breath, pick your head up and pat yourself on the back. You may not be perfect, but you are trying to be better.